How To Survive Your Prostate Exam

Ok, so I know you don't want to talk about it, but it's probably time you faced up to the fact that you should have your prostate checked. For a guy it's truly the worst feeling in the world-especially (like me) if your doctor is 5'1" and has fingers measuring 11 and a half inches long. It's like a once a year date with E.T.

No guy enjoys the violation of his manhood by having a rubber goved finger shoved into his backend-no matter how well-lubed it may be. But it's a necessary evil and you have to do it. Here's why.

If you're a guy, prostate cancer is the most common cancer (other than skin cancer) among men. One man in six will be diagnosed with the disease next year. 1 in 35 will die from it. Prostate cancer isn't fun and neither is the exam. Men should begin getting regular prostate cancer screenings at age 40, or earlier if the disease runs in your family.

Ok, now that the scary facts are out of the way, let's get down to business on how you should handle the exam, so you can go home that day with a slight bit (but not much) of dignity.

If you've yet to have your first exam, here's what you can expect. (Guys that have had the test can back me up here.)

1.) You'll loosen your pants and drop them. The boxers or the tighty whities come down next. (Don't wear the ones with the hole as you'll embarrass yourself more)

2.) The doctor may decide to totally degrade you at this point and check for a hernia. (Lucky you!)

3.) Your doctor will ask you to bend over an exam table while leaning on your elbows. (My doctor prefers my laying on my side in a fetal position. Not only can he examine more thouroughly, it's supposed to be less uncomfortable and not as invasive.) I don't care what position you're in. Let's face it. That's about as invasive as you can get.

4.) Your doctor will snap on a rubber glove and hopefully won't be too cheap when it comes to the KY Lubricant. As soon as you hear the glove snap onto his wrist, prepare yourself.....it's coming. Try not to tense up. You'll want to, but it's not going to help the situation. 

5.) The doctor will then jam his finger back stage and feel around for your prostate. If you're like most men, (at this point in the exam) you're gritting your teeth, your eyes are tightly closed and you may be crying. Not from pain, of course, but from the sheer terror of another dude's finger in your smokestack. Then as quickly as it happens, it's finished. He's done.

6.) Wipe away the tears and lift up your trousers, you big wuss. You're all done. Now go home and take a shower so you don't have a case of KY ass for the rest of the day.

If you see or experience any of the following 3 things during your prostate exam, I suggest finding a new physician immediately.

1.) When you walk into the examination room, it's full of scented candles and has a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket of ice. Barry White music is playing in the background.

2.) He puts a ball gag in your mouth, so no one can hear you scream. Then he pops Pulp Fiction into the DVD player.

3.) He walks in wearing full womens lingerie and heels.

1.) Before the exam, ask the doctor to feel around for the watch you lost last week.

2.) Insist on no lubricant. Tell him John Wayne wouldn't use it, so neither will you.

3.) During the exam ask the doctor if he promises to call you in the morning. (Trust me, this is really funny-even if your doctor does not have a sense of humor.)

That's it. You did it. You now have another 364 days to get ready for your next prostate exam.

Go do this soon. I've lost too many people I've loved to cancer. Go get checked.